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One--Irritating Heroine - Personal reviews of bad romance novels

Jan. 6th, 2009

05:59 pm - One--Irritating Heroine

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Hey y'all!
First time poster, long time reader of the romantic and the trashy. I'm practically raised with these books, so since I've just gone off to college, I've purchased 7 books already all to myself.
However, I've just gotten hold of a really, really putrid roman romance novel. Here's the reason of my gripe.

Disclaimer: No way have I written or published this..
Author: Kathleen Morgan,

Title of the Book
: Enchant the Dream (Yes, I should've seen it coming)

Hero's Name: Cerdic.

Eye Color: Green.

Hair Color: *checks* Dark blonde.

Title/nickname: Slave

Friends/family: Sister ruling in his stead, plus had a wife and son....but the romans killed them. (how convenient).

Reason for living: Completely a mystery. He led a revolt against emperor Nero that not only threatened the power of Rome's hold on the country, but also obliterated two entire colonial cities which were also very unprepared and lacking of actual fighting men. THEN he tried to kill a roman general when he was being transported. Somehow the man decided against humiliating Cerdic in the circus and lighting his ass on fire, but instead wanted to curse him into a life of a common slave (oh no gosh).

Heroine's Name: Gaelle (???)

Her Eye Color: It escapes me. Probably something unusual.

Her Hair color: Rich, reddish gold.

Title/nickname: Priestess, Slave.

Friends/Family: A melodramatic  sister who dislikes her enough to conspire with her enemy, a mother just free from her domestic abuse, the head priestess who raised and trained her, oh, and her bestest fwiend is the pretty blonde wife of her tribe's chieftain.

Reason for living (is she the only virgin left in regency England, or the first women's activist in Medieval England?) She's the mary sue of the author, I can just tell. She's there to be the patron saint of slaves and anyone misunderstood. She never hates but pities, so she practically tries to be friendiest friends with anyone around her. Except for Cerdic who she kept bitching senselessly to until the obligatory sex scene. Plus, she also had 'powers'. Reading wooden blocks with runes carved into them like tarot cards. For some reason it's considered an asset to her character, despite she only used them once.

An example of why this book is a Bodice ripper (Or just a plain crappy book):

So far I've only got snippets of bad writing, so...enjoy. ^^

Their faces were lifted to her in rapt attention, pure, impressionable souls hovering on her every word (scene where Gaelle tells women priestesses the most basic mythology of Odin).

"Speak not of religion in such disparaging terms!" Gaelle wrenched her arm away and lurched back, "You who've just come from a married woman's bed and still reek of her perfume!" (GERMANIC tribeswoman Gaelle telling this to tight-assed hero who she persuaded with great difficulty to sleep with her Roman mistress because he had to, otherwise roman mistress wouldn't help them protect another character that's an innocent victim. She snaps at him like this while Cerdic had been only trying to talk to her.)

"You forget I have my powers, lady. Ottokar will not so easily win, nor does he deserve to."( that's example of heroine's complete stupidity.  Tribe wants to put her biological mom to death because mom had sex with someone not her husband 25 years ago, a punishment avoidable if Gaelle's mom had a champion that would fight the best warrior to the death. Gaelle decides to do this herself despite that a) she never did combat. b) she's "slender to the point of thinness". and c) it's the best warrior of the entire otherwise large tribe.  Everyone tries to tell her to be sensible, and she lashes out to all of them. Not only does she say that she'll beat him, but also thinks that her tarot-card reading skillz will help her win...for some...completely unexplained reason, actually.)