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Personal reviews of bad romance novels

Jun. 8th, 2007

09:27 pm

Author's name:Johanna Lindsey
Title of book: Once A Princess
Hero's name: Stefan Something (I can't find his last name. I'm sure he has one but I can't be bothered to wade though the bad writing to find it.)
His eyes colour: "Hotly glowing, that could make a God-fearing soul want to cross herself. Devil's eyes. "Aglow with yellow hellfire" (Holy hell he's a goa'uld! Someone call the sci-fi! One of their characters have escaped!) Yellow eyes (good God). Then a few sentences later. "The weren't yellow at all but very light brown. like golden sherry wine." So i guess this means they are brown, see how easy that was Johanna?
Hair colour Black
Title/nickname (If any): Your highness, Crown Prince, King, Your majesty, bastard, the devil (this one is used a lot. I think the Devil should sue)
Friends/family: King Sandor. Lazar, Serge, and last but not least the king of the man-whore's: Vasili oh yeah an an evil mistress.
Reason for living (ie is he avenging the death of a loved one, is he a spy or is just a man-whore?): To find his betrothed, angst over his scars, get angry about his scars, to yell about his scars. Oh yeah and rule his kingdom, but what dose that matter when he has scars!?

Heroin's name: Tanya AKA Princess Tatiana
Her eye colour: Blue green, like the sea
Her Hair colour: Black (Awww, they will have little black haired demon spawn!)
Title/Nickname (if any): Princess, Your Highness, bitch, little bitch, lazy slut, whore.
Friends: Are you kidding actual friends might take the angst down a notch, can't have that.
Reason for living (is she the only virgin left in regency England, or the first women's activist in Medieval England?) Be be a personal drudge to her step-father. With little hope of anything better. Oh the angst of it all!

An example of why this book is a Bodice ripper (Or just a plain crappy book):
I've decided not to just give a sample of just one part of the book, but to give the basics of the book without anyone else having to suffer.

King Sandor: Son, I want you to find your betrothed, the rightful queen of our country. Not that anyone cares about that point.
Stefan: Don't wanna.
King Sandor: Now! I will now explain to you what happened to the rightful heir to the throne even though you know all of this by now. If not- your a bigger idiot than the English king. Now go!
Stefan::grumble, grumble: Fine.
Stefan: Me no wanna be king. :Whine, snivel, whine: The only thing that will help me with my bad mood is some angry sex with my evil mistress!
Evil Mistress (Aka Alicia) I will now show the readers how evil I am. Mwhahahaha. Gold is shinny and I want more!
In some seedy Mississippi bar

Tanya: Oh dear, my prostitute dancer is conveniently sick I must dance myself. Hopefully no one will know it is really me.
Stefan: I see no reason for us to be in this-- ooooh pretty girl belly dancing, me want! Me want NOW! Since we know that all belly dancers supplement their income with prostitution she is a sure thing!
Tanya: I must now cover up my stunning beauty with layers of makeup so I look like a hag.
Stefan: Hey, the ugly woman is really the pretty girl I now lust over.
Tanya: I am not.
Stefan: Yes you are.
Tanya: No.
Stefan: Yes.
Tanya: No- hey WTF are you doing?
Stefan: :Smudging her makeup: Smudging your makeup. Dose it make you hot for me?
Tanya: No.
Stefan: Darn, I must now go to your abusive guardian. I will see you in a chapter or so and lift your skirts.
Tanya: Wha?
A short time later after much lying from the guardian and Stefan comes the contrived surprising revelation that the whore Tanya Tanya is really the princess which the man whore Vasili insists on proof .
Stefan:
:Drags Tanya to her bedroom, throws her over his legs and lifts her skirt to look at her ass: Ha! I know it, you are the princess. :a second ticks by: Shit, my future queen is a whore. I must angst over this as well as my scars. So much angst so little time.
Tanya: I am not a princess.
Stefan: Yes you are.
Tanya: No.
Stefan: Yes.
Tanya: No.
Stefan: Yes.
Tanya: No.
Stefan: Yes.
Tanya: No.
Stefan: We have no time for this, my father is dying we must be off now.
Tanya: No, I can't--
Stefan: :Yoink: Hey this kidnapping is fun, I should do it more often.
Tanya: I hate you.
Stefan: Yes I know, everyone hates me because I am so ugly due to my scars.
Tanya: Ever think it's just because your a juvenile idiot who has anger control issues?
Stefan: :Contemplates this: No, it's the scars.
Readers: :Rolls eyes:
Tanya: I will escape. This I vow.
Stefan: No you won't. You see I have thought this over clearly. You have clearly stated that you cannot swim and since we are on a boat, you could never- hey wait where did she go?
Tanya: Mwhahaha, I have deceived my would-be captors I could swim.
Stefan: :Yoink: Ha! the whiteness of your body in the moon light have lead me straight to you- OMFG! you really are pretty! You are too pretty for my ugly self.
Everyone else: Shit, you know where this is going don't you?
Stefan: :extreme angst mode: ON.
Everyone else: :sigh: Get the woman on another boat so we can return home.
Stefan: :angst, brood, whine, angst, brood, brood, brood:
While on the ship
Tanya
: I am not the princess you are looking for.
Everyone else. Yes you are.
Tanya: No.
Everyone else: Yes.
Tanya: No.
Everyone else: Yes.
Tanya: No.
Everyone else: Yes.
Tanya: No.
Everyone else: Yes.
Tanya: No.
Everyone else: Yes.
Random man servant: You are indeed a princess.
Tanya: OK.
Stefan::Grumble, grumble:
Tanya: Despite the fact that I have rarely seen Stefan on the voyage i have realized that I am in love with him. I must now convince him that my angsty life full of beatings is perfect for his scared face. We can be the perfect emo couple.
Stefan: When you were an ugly whore I wanted you, but now that I know you are a pretty whore I reject you!
Tanya: Why?
Stefan: Lack of ideas on the part of the author.
Tanya: Well then I will go kiss the resident pretty man-whore and realize that I am a cold fish to all but angst boy Stefan.
Bandits: Our leader hates Stefan let's get his bride-to-be. :Yoink:
Tanya: I really hate being kidnapped.
Stefan: I want Tanya back, I have decided that I want some angry sex and Vasili is too pretty! I will give you the moon for her safe return.
Bandits: Just money please.
Tanya: Oh, let's have some of that angry sex which you will conviently be so caught up in your passion to not notice I'm actually a virgin.
Stefan: :Drooling over Tanya: Wha?
Tanya: Never mind.
A short while later
Assassin
: I will try and kill the princess.
Tanya: No!
Assassin: OK, bye see you later.
Just before the wedding
Assassin
: I am the king of stealth.
Tanya: I'm a light sleeper.
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Stefan
: :Throws door open violently and is holding pants with blood on them: Tanya what is the-- hey what the hell is going on here?
Tanya: I'm trying not to die here, you idiot!
Stefan: Oh : Saves is bride:
Tanya: Oh darling, thank you for saving me-- even though I had the situation handled.
Stefan: :Intimidates assassin: Who sent you?
Assassin: Your evil mistress.
Alicia: Bye!
Assassin is carted off
Stefan
: What is the blood doing on my pants?
Tanya: You see I am not a whore, it's actually the Belly dancer that is, I was just filling in.
Stefan: Okay I accept that.
And they lived happily ever after.

I can honestly say that I haven't seen the word "scar" used so much since Harry Potter.







May. 27th, 2007

09:15 am

Disclaimer: I do not own any part A Pirate's Love it belong soley to Johanna Lindsey and her publishers.

Author's name:Johanna Lindsey
Title of book: A Pirate's Love

Hero's name:Tristan I can't be bothered to find his last name
His eyes colour: "Startling pale blue"
Hair colour:"Dark gold" that is also described as "Molten gold." Uh Huh.
Title/nickname (If any):Captain, The Devil, Bastard, Pirate (Surprise surprise, I never would have guessed he was a pirate from the title of the book.)
Friends/family: Family is dead. Has Jules a large "bear of a man" who is willing to whip the Heroine to death for supposedly killing Tristan after he had raped her and threatened to do so again. He also tells Tristan to beat her. Lovely, lovely man is he not?
Reason for living (ie is he avenging the death of a loved one, is he a spy or is just a man-whore?): Well he was captured by the Spanish and tortured (Go Spaniards go!)now he vows revenge.

Heroin's name:Bettina Varlaine/Ryan
Her eye colour: Here's the kicker, if she's unhappy, scared, or angry they are green. If she's happy or pleased they are "Sapphire blue."
Her Hair colour: Pale blond almost white
Title/Nickname (if any): Hellcat, vixen, little bitch.
Friends: Madeleine a nanny, servant (AKA babysitter) a over baring bastard of a father who dies, Jossel, a mother who doesn't seem to have problems with Tristan raping her daughter. And near the end her REAL father who despite never knowing her goes into over protective father mode the second he sees her.
Reason for living (is she the only virgin left in regency England, or the first women's activist in Medieval England?) Was "gently reared" but has the language of a drunken sailor. Has anger management issues.

An example of why this book is a Bodice ripper (Or just a plain crappy book): This is a book that featured rape but I won't even go too far into that. However I want to show the volatile mood swings both the hero and heroin exhibit.
Thank God they have pills for these disorders now.
(Again I do not own any part of this book it belongs soley to Johanna Lindsey)
Bettina
:
....she stopped suddenly, and her eyes flew open.
Oh no! How could she be so stupid? This is easy for me to see anyone else? He would not whip her! He was bluffing! He hated the Spanish for beating their slaves, he'd said, and he'd never harmed her yet, despite all the trouble she'd given him. Yes rape is not harming Why hadn't she seen though is game sooner?
"Bettina, what is the matter with you?" he asked.
"Damn your black-hearted soul to hell, Tristan!" She stormed.
SNIP
She decided to wait before calling his bluff until it would be to her advantage. She suddenly smiled, and then she began to laugh at the bewildered look on Tristan's face. How happy she was!

So first she was enraged then happy. Sure I could see both reaction to this situation, but not in such a short pace of time. She must be tired going from extreme anger to extreme happiness in five seconds.

Tristan:

Tristan was at the table, bending over some papers. As Bettina stared at him, the rage surfaced and exploded inside her head Gore! I knew it would show up!. She clasped her hands to try to stop their trembling; then she ran down the rest of the stairs and came up behind Tristan. He straightened and turned, hearing her approach, and when he did, Bettina swung her closed fist full force across his cheek did she mean to say she punched him?.
"What the hell was that for?" Tristan growled, rubbing his face. Why is he rubbing his whole face when she only slapped (Punched) him on the cheek?
"Damn you, Tristan!: Bettina screamed. "I am pregnant!"
"Sweet Jesus, is that any reason to attack me?" he grumbled. "I don't mind a slap from a woman if she thinks it is deserved, but you always have to use your blasted fists!" Dose he not see abduction, rape, another abduction, threats of torture as a justifiable reason for a slap (punch)?
"I should have waited until I could find a dagger so i could lay open your black heart!"
"I don't know what you're so mad about." I do. he grinned "You should have known that it would happen sooner or later. Besides if it is only one month, how can you be sure?" Because of the time period she may very well not know how babies are made. Mothers usually were too embarrassed to tell their daughters about the birds and the bees.
"Because it is over two months--two!" She yelled. She ran back up the stairs before he could say more.
Tristan heard the door to his room slam, and he chuckled. But then his face darkened like a storm cloud when he realized that a little over a two months ago Bettina had been in Saint Martin.
He ran up the stairs and burst into his room, crashing the door against the wall. Bettina shrank back when she saw the violence on Tristan's face He grabbed her cruelly by the shoulders and shook her. Nice way to treat a pregnant woman.
From there it goes into a back and forth fight about who the father is and if Bettina is lying. Bi-polar disorder at it's finest.

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative

May. 26th, 2007

08:48 pm - Hi everyone

I am a romance reader, I love romance novels and movies. There are a lot of great books out there written by very talented authors. But then there are the bad books that give the rest of them the bad name.
Yes I refer to the so called "Bodice Ripper". Anyone who likes a good romance novel knows about them. It's all about heaving bosoms and impossibly skinny women with large breasts.

Well I want to spork them here.

Note: I own all the books I'm going to spork so my collection of bodice rippers is rather limits I will also be sporking books that I think are crappy. If you have a book you think is bad, post your own spork here.

Further note anyone who comments can disagree with what the poster has to say, however if I see someone attacking the poster her/himself I will not allow your comment to be put up. And if you are a member and I find your attacking the poster you will be removed immediately. If you disagree please do so politely.

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