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Personal reviews of bad romance novels

Apr. 21st, 2009

06:02 am - Not the worst book she wrote.

I admit it, I have no excuse but pure laziness about my lack of posts.

Disclaimer: Nope, don't own.
Author's name: Johanna Lindsey
Title of book: Warrior' woman. I used to like this...someone slap me.

Hero's name
: Challen
His eyes colour: Blue, maybe.
Hair colour: He's a blondie
Title/nickname (If any): Shodan I think it's a king or something.
Friends/family: Parents and an uncle.
Reason for living (ie is he avenging the death of a loved one, is he a spy or is just a man-whore?): I'm not sure what his reason for living is. Hunting I guess, he's a leader but other than saying he's the leader I don't remember any actual leadership. Show don't tell.

Heroin's name: Tedra yes this is a sci-fi/romance book.
Her eye colour: It changes, she's got this hand-dandy hair/eye colour changer. But the orginal colour is light aquamarine. No that's not Mary-Sue eye colour, not at all.
Her Hair colour: Same as above but long black tresses.
Title/Nickname (if any): Woman!
Friends: Martha a super duper AI computer. Corth a sex bot that Tedra wants for snuggles.
Reason for living (is she the only virgin left in regency England, or the first woman's activist in Medieval England?)
The last virgin on a sexed up planet that it's law, yes I said law, that a woman can't be a virgin at a certain age... AHAHAHAHAHA! No I didn't make that up, stop looking at me like that. Oh there's a thing where she's trying to save her planet because primitive barbarians have taken over her highly technologically evolved planet. And no it didn't occur to her to go to the planet where the alien's intellect was compared to godlike. That would be just...silly.

An example of why this book is a Bodice ripper (Or just a plain crappy book):

Highlights of the bookCollapse )

Current Mood: amusedamused

Jan. 6th, 2009

05:59 pm - One--Irritating Heroine

Hey y'all!
First time poster, long time reader of the romantic and the trashy. I'm practically raised with these books, so since I've just gone off to college, I've purchased 7 books already all to myself.
However, I've just gotten hold of a really, really putrid roman romance novel. Here's the reason of my gripe.

Disclaimer: No way have I written or published this..
Author: Kathleen Morgan,

Title of the Book
: Enchant the Dream (Yes, I should've seen it coming)

Hero's Name: Cerdic.

Eye Color: Green.

Hair Color: *checks* Dark blonde.

Title/nickname: Slave

Friends/family: Sister ruling in his stead, plus had a wife and son....but the romans killed them. (how convenient).

Reason for living: Completely a mystery. He led a revolt against emperor Nero that not only threatened the power of Rome's hold on the country, but also obliterated two entire colonial cities which were also very unprepared and lacking of actual fighting men. THEN he tried to kill a roman general when he was being transported. Somehow the man decided against humiliating Cerdic in the circus and lighting his ass on fire, but instead wanted to curse him into a life of a common slave (oh no gosh).

Heroine's Name: Gaelle (???)

Her Eye Color: It escapes me. Probably something unusual.

Her Hair color: Rich, reddish gold.

Title/nickname: Priestess, Slave.

Friends/Family: A melodramatic  sister who dislikes her enough to conspire with her enemy, a mother just free from her domestic abuse, the head priestess who raised and trained her, oh, and her bestest fwiend is the pretty blonde wife of her tribe's chieftain.

Reason for living (is she the only virgin left in regency England, or the first women's activist in Medieval England?) She's the mary sue of the author, I can just tell. She's there to be the patron saint of slaves and anyone misunderstood. She never hates but pities, so she practically tries to be friendiest friends with anyone around her. Except for Cerdic who she kept bitching senselessly to until the obligatory sex scene. Plus, she also had 'powers'. Reading wooden blocks with runes carved into them like tarot cards. For some reason it's considered an asset to her character, despite she only used them once.

An example of why this book is a Bodice ripper (Or just a plain crappy book):

So far I've only got snippets of bad writing, so...enjoy. ^^
A few quotes...Collapse )

Mar. 13th, 2008

02:15 pm - I know characters speak to writers...but come on.

Not a book spork. I just started to read the first book but I thought it this 'plog' was worthy of being poked fun of. I actually have no problem with Karen Marie Moning as I have never read her books other than the first five chapters of Darkfever, which despite me not partially liking sometimes overly dramatic angst, seems to be a pretty good book.

My imaginary friend is better than your imaginary friendCollapse )

Current Mood: amusedamused

Sep. 14th, 2007

09:33 am - Bad, so very, very bad.

Disclaimer: Even if I did write this I wouldn't admit it. But I don't own this it belongs soley to the author and her publisher.
Author's name:Ronda Thompson

Title of book:The Dark One I should have known just by the title it was going to be bad.

Hero's name:Armond Wulf

His eyes colour: No idea but I'd bet dark

Hair colour: Same as above

Title/nickname (If any):Marquess of Wulfglen, Earl of Bumont.

Friends/family:three brothers. Gabriel, Jackson, and Sterling Hee, his parents wanted money, not another son.

Reason for living (ie is he avenging the death of a loved one, is he a spy or is just a man-whore?): To be angsty, brooding, emo, sad, mad, depressed :humm, I need to go get a thesaurus just to find more words for super duper depression.:

Heroin's name: Rosalind Rutherford

Her eye colour: The purest shade of violet and they are slanted.

Her Hair colour:The colour of midnight. I kid you not it says that.

Title/Nickname (if any): Didn't get that far before I threw the book across the room.

Friends: Again didn't get that far.

Reason for living (is she the only virgin left in regency England, or the first women's activist in Medieval England?) She's trying to get from under the control of her sadistic brother. Really that's what it says on the back.

An example of why this book is a Bodice ripper (Or just a plain crappy book):
Let the bad prose begin!Collapse )

Current Mood: dorky

Aug. 30th, 2007

11:55 am - Not so much funny...

A while ago on </a></font></b></a>canon_sues I posted the Dark series on it. And bardsong asked this:

"I know this entry is months old but...

I confess that I sort of like those books. Oh, man, they're complete and utter crap, but there are days you want a fine sorbet and days you want to eat Cool Whip right out of the tub. Feehan is my Cool Whip--the books are horrible, but I can't seem to stop picking them up. I think mostly I want to figure out how it is something like those books managed the level of popularity they've acquired among romance readers."

I thought I might address that here. As well as any other Alpha!male in any other book I might spork here.

Although we have advanced as a society, and as a people our brains are essentially still primitive. If you were to take away all that we have accomplished over the millenia we would be go back to "Basic Programming" that's hardwired into our DNA.
So, that said.
All species seek to reproduce in order to make sure their species survives. As females our instincts tell us to go after the strongest men to give us strong children to make sure they survive. You see our instincts don't know that we have plenty of food and shelter, it tells us that we need to survive and in order to do that our offspring need to survive and if the male is strong so will the children.

Although as modern women we can stand back and say I want a "sensitive" man what our instincts want is someone who can defend his mate and offspring.

This is why Alpha!males are so popular. This is why Bad boys appeal to most women. They are strong. They are dangerous and that appeals to our primitive sides because that part of us knows he can protect us and any offspring.

And while our modern morals don't want a man who will toss us over his shoulder, instincts do. And romance novels like the Dark Series taps into that instinct. We (And myself included) might be able to take care of ourselves, in fact want to. Some part of us, even if it's tiny, wants that. Wants a man to take charge, to protect us.

No pretty, not flowery, definitely not worthy of a romance novel but the cold hard facts.

Current Mood: cynicalcynical

Aug. 20th, 2007

10:45 am - Dark Magic

Disclaimer: HAHAHA No I don't own this thank God I don't even own the book I stole borrowed it from my sister.
Author's name:Christine Feehan
Title of book: Dark Magic I've got a better title Dark Trash

Hero's name: Gregori Daratrazanoff Isn't that a mouthful?

His eyes colour: Black

Hair colour: Black What else would it be?

Title/nickname (If any): The Dark One Huh, Healer, Heartless bastard, unfeeling jerk.

Friends/family: How can one have friends without emotions? Various brothers and one sister he doesn't know about yet. Shoot I gave a spoiler.

Reason for living (ie is he avenging the death of a loved one, is he a spy or is just a man-whore?): To make Savannah's life hell. To kill any threat to his people or his prince. Be an arrogant prick. To scowl and look intimidating.

Heroin's name: Savannah Debrinski

Her eye colour: Dark

Her Hair colour: Dark I'm seeing similarities here.

Title/Nickname (if any): Mistress of Illusion, Cherie, ma petite, bebe. Sorry I can't do the accent above the 'e's

Friends: Peter but he dies less than 20 pages in.

Reason for living (is she the only virgin left in regency England, or the first women's activist in Medieval England?)Brood mare? Running away? Being an idiot? Actually it's all of the above. Oh and she's an Illusionist who's powers are real but after the third chapter we don't see any of that- I mean why would the female character need to do anything but look sexy and innocent?

An example of why this book is a Bodice ripper (Or just a plain crappy book):

Read more...Collapse )

Current Mood: crazycrazy

Aug. 6th, 2007

01:33 pm - Dark Desire

Disclaimer: Don't own this it belongs to the author and her publishers
Author's name: Christine Feehan
Title of book:Dark Desire This sounds...promising.

Hero's name: Jacques Dubrinsky

His eyes colour: Black
Hair colour: Black
Title/nickname (If any): Wild man
Friends/family: Mikhail Dubrinsky, brother.
Reason for living (ie is he avenging the death of a loved one, is he a spy or is just a man-whore?): He was tortured and staked thought the heart Yet somehow survived and was put into a coffin for years on end and had to live on vermin Again he survived how? Oh yes because he knew the luve of his life was waiting :snort:

Heroin's name: Shea O'Halloran Where the hell dose she get these crappy names? Are simple names like Mary not good enough for her "sexy" characters?
Her eye colour: Not wading though crap to find out but I'm sure they are gorgeous.
Her Hair colour: "Wild red hair, silky soft, vibrant. He wanted to touch that hair If he hasn't touched it how can he know it's silky soft?. To sink his fingers into it's thickness Is it bad when the authors uses words like "thickness" it's usually in regards to a penis?
Title/Nickname (if any): Little red hair Not much of an imagination to these Carpathians is there? First little one now little red hair what's next, brown-eyed girl?
Friends: Becomes instant friends with Raven even though her husband (Raven's) tried to kill her.
Reason for living (is she the only virgin left in regency England, or the first women's activist in Medieval England?) Again to be a brood mare for her husband. Oh and be a plot device to show that a Carpathian and a human can have children. Also to be a healer to her "Wild Man" See, she's the Only one that can keep him from going completely insane and go on a murdering rampage and killing everyone and everything in his path...No pressure.

An example of why this book is a Bodice ripper (Or just a plain crappy book):

First meeting face to face between the love birds.

He moved so fast that he was a blur He's hurt, been denied blood for a long time and still he's able to move that fast...yeah right, his hand clamping around her neck, jerking her off her feet so she fell across him Think about, this just doesn't make much sense. Picture it in your mind it wouldn't have happened this way. His teeth ripped at her exposed throat, the pain was executing Look ma! I got a hickey from the deranged psycho. He fed voraciously, a wild animal out of control This sends my romantic heart aflutter. She struggled against the pain, against the futility of what he was doing Poke him in the eye girl! Grab his package and pull!. He was killing the one person who could save him We always hurt the ones we love. He hand flailing blindly For some reason this makes me giggle the imagery of this huge dirty guy killing me and all I do is wave my hand around like I'm trying to swat a bug?, found his jet-black hair. Her fingers tangled in the dirty, thick mane Now yank it darling, don't go gently into that good night!, remained there when she slumped nearly lifeless across his upper chest. The last thing she head before tired she passed out was his heartbeat. Shockingly her own heart tried to follow the steady, stronger rhythm Wouldn't his heartbeat be racing? From excitement, anger, fear, something?.

Later after Mikhail tries to kill Shea

You are my life mate. It means we belong together, never apart See I would never be a good Carpathian I need my space.
She shook her head adamantly. "No way." Her enormous eyes jumped to the other. All at once they looked sinister, beings too powerful for their own good I think she means for their life mate's own good. "I want to leave this place Me too; I wouldn't just go when he's asleep..that's just silly." It was somewhere between a demand and a plea for help. Instinctively she looked towards Mikhail Yes I often ask help from people who tried to kill me. His fingerprints were on her swollen throat. She had saved his brother's life. He owed her.
Raven tightened her fingers around Mikhail's, feeling his tension, his indecision Yes indecision's do I help the woman my brother just brutalized or not?. Clearly this woman was asking for help This is a smart group, and Mikhail could so no other than offer his protection Wanna bet?. But Jacques was already warning them off, a low growl rumbling in his throat Woof. He sensed Shea was looking to the other for assistance Gee I wonder why?, and it triggered his predatory instincts. At once he was dangerous, violence swirling close to the surface, aggressive towards Shea, clearly demanding submission .

I have a problem with the whole last few lines. If you are a fan of Feehan and the Dark books think about this:
If this was any other book was any other kind of romance novel Jacques would be the bad guy. He's aggressive, possessive with violent tendencies. That, ladies is the villain in any other romance.

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative

Jul. 31st, 2007

02:57 pm - A thank you

I would like to thank Christine Feehan for writing such Alpha Male garbage as the Dark series.

I also can't wait until her newest book (I don't buy them but my sister dose so I'll steal- I mean borrow- hers) DARK POSSESSION comes out. It sounds like it's going to be the most corny, sicking book so far. Here I'll post the summery

Manolito De La Cruz knew he was dangerously close to turning into a vampire There's a shocker. The last thing he expected after being called back to his Carpathian homeland by Prince Mikhail was to catch the scent of his destined lifemate in MaryAnn Delaney What is he a dog...oh wait I forgot what I was talking about. MaryAnn is human, but she knows all too well the overwhelmingly aggressive instincts of Carpathian males. And they're not exactly the kind of men she'd prefer to be bound to for life Gee I wonder why? Although the putting me to sleep would be helpful.

A dedicated counselor for battered women I sence angst here, MaryAnn has a fulfilling life with no room for someone like Manolito, born and bred in the Carpathian Mountains, a law unto himself I see justafacation for bad things to poor MaryAnn. But when MaryAnn agrees to go to South America to offer guidance to a brutalized young woman, she's oblivious of the trap that awaits her in the sweltering thick of the jungle Look the plot!. She has been lured there by Manolito himself See I knew he was a douch bag, who has seductive plans for the unaware Sounds like a rapist, irresistibly? I Copied and pasted this, it's not a mistake on my part human female.

Once there, she will be his She's not a object asshole. Once his, she will never be released Sounds like a kidnapper. He is her lover, her predator OK dose he want to have sex with her or eat her...and not in the good way either, her lifemate. She is his dark possession.... ...SHE IS NOT A POSSESSION!

All this from just the summery I can't wait for the whole thing to poke fun at.

Current Mood: chipperchipper

Jul. 28th, 2007

09:51 am - Dark Prince

I thought I would give Linday a break.
Heh I couldn't think this up if I tried.

Author's name: Christine Feehan
Title of book: Dark Prince

Hero's name: Mikhail Dubrinsky
His eyes colour: ...but it was his eyes, burning with energy, with darkness, with a thousand secrets, that drew immediate attention. Those eyes could mezmorize, hypnotize, just like the power of his voice.
Hair colour: Black
Title/nickname (If any): Prince, devil, vampire, killer.
Friends/family: A brother Jacques, and a protector/friend Gregori.
Reason for living (ie is he avenging the death of a loved one, is he a spy or is just a man-whore?): To be emo. Well to try and save his people from exstinction. See if the guys don't have a girlfriend they go to the dark side and become vampires; not to be confuesed with being a Carpathian which is diffrent...realy they are. Vampires are ugly and Carpathians are hunks.

Heroin's name: Heh Raven Whitney
Her eye colour: Dark blue
Her Hair colour: You'll never guess. OK I'll give you a clue: What's her name?
Title/Nickname (if any): Little one. Awww, she's petite, get it?
Friends: None that are mentioned. All the better for her to give up her life in Amarica.
Reason for living (is she the only virgin left in regency England, or the first women's activist in Medieval England?) To be a brood mare for an oversexed masaginist. Oh and a silly thing like track insane killers but who cares about that?

An example of why this book is a Bodice ripper (Or just a plain crappy book): 

First I'll give you the basic idea behind ever single flipping book so you don't have to read them. Again I don't own this it belongs solely to Christine Feehand and her publishers. I just made the mistake of buying the stupid book.

Blue eyes. Blue. She had blue eyes I didn't get that she had blue eyes, did you? It was only then that he realized he was seeing in colour Not the smartest bloke is he? Vivid, brilliant colors. He went utterly still. It could not be la gasp, how can I go on without my angst?. Males lost the abilty to see anything but drab gray about the same time they lost their emorions. It could not be He said that already, I think he went to the special  school. Only a lifemate could bring emotions and color back into a male's life. Carpathian women were the light the the male's darkness Can we say corny?. His other half.  Without her, the beast would sloely consume the man until he was completly darkness Oh how emo of them. There were no carpathian women left to give brith to lfe mates Huh strange. The few reamining women Did he not just say there were  no women left? seemed able to profuce only males Stange how sciance says that it's sperm that decides gender. It was seeminglt hopless situation But hark, there is new hope..maybe. Human women could not be converted without becimging deranged. It had been tried Lovely boys arn't they?. This human woman could not possibly be his life mate And the emo is back.

There you go that paragraph in a nut shell tells you why it's OK for the men to do what ever they want to the women. Upto and inculding rape, and imprisonment. Lovely.   I meant to say this is why they are so charming. They are very protective and sweet...yeah.

OK onto why this book is worthy of the title bodice ripper. Set right after  Mikhail takes her from her inn...against her will...for her own good of course.

She was frieghtned I'd run away if I was friegtned, but then again I'm normal, he could read it easily, a captive wild thing Did he just call her a thing? wanting to trust him, yet ubable to, run to the ground Now he's comparing her to a badger or something, cornered, but still willing to fight with her last breath. She needed him almost as much as he needed her After they had met for a whole five secounds. She thoughed the foor frame with a fingertip That line was nessary, you could never get the plot if that fingertip wasn't there.. "If I say no, will you take me back to the inn?" No.
Why she wanted to be with him when she knew he was dangerous I don't know, suasidial?? He wasn't "pushing" her; she had too much talent of her own not to know Yet he dose it all the time without her knowing later. He looked so alone, so proud, yet his eyes burnined over her with hungery need Is it just me or is that a creepy image?. He didn't answer her, didn't try to presuade her, simply stood there in siliacne, waiting Even creepier.
Raven sighed softly, knowing that she was defeated Why? Just turn around and leave. She had never known another human being she could just sit and talk with, even touch, without the bardbardment of thoughts and emotions. That in itself was a type of syduction Yes I know, it's got me hot.
She had stareted across the threshold. Mikhail caught her arm. "You own free with; say it."
"My own free will/" She stepped into his home, her slashes sweeping down. Raven missed the look of savage joy that lit his dark, chisled features "Come into my parlor" said the spider to the fly.

Current Mood: crazycrazy

Jun. 15th, 2007

10:02 am

Disclaimer: This, like all the other pieces of garbage belong soley to Johanna Lindsey and her publishers. As if I would want to own such crap.
Author's name: What else? Johanna Lindsey
Title of book: Secret Fire

Hero's name: Dimitri Alexandrov (See I can find a last name
His eyes colour: Deep brown eyes with dark slashing brows.
Hair colour: Golden
Title/nickname (If any): Prince, your Highness, bastard, rascal.
Friends/family: A Grandmere, Lenore Cudworth, Dowager Duchess of Albemarle. A sister, Princess Anastasia Alexandrov. A brother who is dead for most of the book, but then is found to actually be alive.
Reason for living (ie is he avenging the death of a loved one, is he a spy or is just a man-whore?): Man-whore. And if he doesn't get his own way he abducted and drugs a woman. A real charmer. He also has the amazing ability to ignore facts.

Heroin's name:Kathrine St.John
Her eye colour:Not entirely sure but probably something strange, violate, azure, green, I can't be bothered to slog though tripe.
Her Hair colour: Brown.
Title/Nickname (if any): Kat, Lady St.John, bitch (Can she come up with another insult?) wench, Katya, some Russian thing that I think means Angel.
Friends/Family: A flibberdegibbet sister and a idiot brother.
Reason for living (is she the only virgin left in regency England, or the first women's activist in Medieval England?) Last virgin left. It's her duty to make sure her idiot family doesn't fall to pieces. Even going so far as to dress like a maid to follow her aformention sister.

An example of why this book is a Bodice ripper (Or just a plain crappy book):
For this one I have neither the time or the inclination to type word for word but I'll give you the gist of the book.

Dimitri, the man-whore, prince is lonely in England, where is he because his idiot sister is being a spoiled bitch.
Enter Kathrine, who's own idiot sister is meeting with a young man she thinks she loves, and must meet in secret because her father doesn't like him (For good reason). Kathrine follows her sister, dressed as her maid.
Dimitri sees her from afar and is instantly lusty for her. he tells his servant that he wants her.
Said servant approaches Kathrine and offers her money for sex on the behalf of his master. She naturally says no.
The servant abducts her, takes her to his master's home and then for unremarkable reasons drugs her with an aphrodisiac.
Dimitri and Kathrine have sex all night long.
The next morning Katherine threatens to go to the king and because the Czar is coming Dimitri takes Kathrine with him, putting her a trunk and aboard his ship.
There are several long, pointless chapters where Dimitri tries to seduce Kathrine, but naturally, fails.
And all this time he still thinks that Kathrine is a peasant. 
Let's look at the facts. It's 1844 and English peasants are neither educated or even literate. Yet Kathrine can read and write several languages and speak even more. She is good at math and sciences. So basically he's both a rapist, womanizer, and the stupidest blighter on earth. No one could have mistaken her for a peasant. The lack of the rougher speech patterns would have given her away.
Moving on.
Once they reach Russia Dimitri is tries of failing to seduce his little English Rose, and drugs her again.
The have sex all night.
The next morning Kathrine realizes that she is in love with Dimitri but he felt guilty and left her.
Enter evil, sadistic aunt who has Kathrine beaten black and blue and put to work in the kitchen.
Dimitri comes back and find Kathrine, but she's angry at him (I wonder why)
Much explaining and wanksting later, they have sex, which Kathrine becomes pregnant. And though this Dimitri is telling her he has to get married, but not her, he's very, very clear on this point.
They go to a ball and someone who knows Kathrine talks to her, finally giving Dimitri a kick in the ass and viola! he finally realizes what was painfully obvious to everyone around him.
Kathrine leaves.
Dimitri almost dies. Then finds heretofore thought to be dead brother.
Kathrine has baby. Surprise, surprise, her sister's marriage isn't great.
Dimitri comes to England Kathrine gives him the runaround, until finally they come together in a cloud of hearts and flowers and everyone, but Kathrine's sister lives happily ever after.

Is it just me or dose this book sound like the other two I reviewed?
Kidnapping? Yep, all three of them
Rape? Except Once a Princess
Idiot reasoning? Oh dear god yes.

Current Mood: complacentcomplacent

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